Happy Doc Student Podcast

Single-Parenting, Self-Care, & Learning to say "No" with Dr. Gail Brindell

March 24, 2021 Heather Frederick, PhD Episode 20
Happy Doc Student Podcast
Single-Parenting, Self-Care, & Learning to say "No" with Dr. Gail Brindell
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Show Notes Transcript

Gail Brindell, PsyD, is the founder and owner of WellFITT Solutions, LLC. As a single parent and retired military officer, she completed her PsyD in Psychology with a concentration in Health & Wellness.

Dr. Brindell is an Exercise Physiologist, a Chronic Pain Specialist, a Credentialed Exercise is Medicine professional, and a Certified Associative Awareness Technique practitioner. With over 35 years in the health and fitness industry in a variety of settings, her passion is helping others reconnect their minds with their bodies through movement and mindset so that they may live a healthy and happy life. 

Tips:

1.     Have a detailed plan that includes how you will juggle: Your self-care, your family, and your work

2.     Take stock of your resources

3.     Create a space for school and a place where you don’t do school

4.     Be open and honest with the people you live with about your commitment, especially your kids if you are a single parent (and listen to what they have to say about how they feel)

5.     Prioritize your self-care (you can’t pour from an empty cup – see Episode #3 for more on this)

6.     Listen to your body

7.     Self-care goes beyond taking care of your body (yep, time to take a look at your thoughts)

8.     Use positive affirmations on your mirror (laugh if you want – it works! I have more to say about this in my free 7-day email adventure – see link below)

9.     Learn to say NO (this is a practice)

10.  Find a support system

11.  Don’t judge yourself (a little self-compassion goes a long way)

12.  Use kind self-talk (talk to yourself like you’re your best friend)

13.  Pray (or connect with your source of power)

14.  Clean up your kitchen/pantry so you can make only healthy choices!

15.  Ask for help when you need it

Yes, it will be worth it. Just make sure you take care of you, so you are around to enjoy the fruits of your labor!

Connect with Dr. Brindell

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gail-brindell-psy-d-50a643a

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wellfittsolutionsraleigh

WellFITT Solutions: https://wellfittsolutions.com/

Heather's YouTube channel
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZJ2EkKDtTbuC4C7FeM-69Q

 

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Heather Frederick:  You’re listening to the Happy Doc Student Podcast, a podcast dedicated to providing clarity to the often-mysterious doctoral process. Feel like you’re losing your mind? Let me and my guests show you how to put more joy in your journey and graduate with your sanity, health, and relationships intact.

I’m your host, Dr. Heather Frederick, and this is episode 20. 

In this episode I speak with Dr. Gail Brindell, the founder and owner of WellFITT Solutions, LLC. As a single parent and retired military officer, Gail completed her PsyD in Psychology with a concentration in Health & Wellness.

She is an Exercise Physiologist, a Chronic Pain Specialist, a Credentialed Exercise is Medicine professional, and a Certified Associative Awareness Technique practitioner. With over 35 years in the health and fitness industry in a variety of settings, her passion is helping others reconnect their minds with their bodies through movement and mindset so that they may live a healthy and happy life. 

She completed her degree almost exactly one year ago today, and she is here to talk to us about the importance of self-care and how to juggle being a single parent in a doctoral program.

Gail, welcome to the show!

Gail Brindell: Thank you Heather.  I'm honored to be here. This means a lot to me.

Heather Frederick:  Why don't you start by sharing your story of what your journey was like and how self-care was an important part. 

Gail Brindell: Sure. Wow, there's so much there's so much to tell. But I will, you know, started it's funny that you reminded me that it was just this year that I finished and I looking back, it was around 2013 that I started.

I was a single parent. So, I think my son was probably eight years old, and had my own business and so definitely burning the candle at several ends.  It  ,was definitely something that I felt strongly about that I needed to do for my own personal and professional growth.

And I felt like it was, you know, I had a great support system and I felt like it was attainable, but one thing is through the whole process, you know, my son would come first. My job would come second. My studies would come third and then Gail would come tag along. And so it was very, very early on I recognized that I had to make sure that I was prioritizing my needs. And that was a challenge through the whole process. There are lots of ups and downs. My business is in exercise as an exercise physiologists. So I was training individuals, I was doing a lot of movement and I think that was my saving grace, because I didn't did not have to give that a whole lot of attention or intention because I was doing it naturally.

But I did make sure I did a lot of outdoor walks, a lot of looking out the window, a lot of sitting outside and typing and reading and trying to sleep, even though I would be studying at one or writing at two in the morning. But paying attention to self-care, it just kind of fell in my lap.

I realized that what I. Love to do and do for a living with slipping out of my fingers.  I had to find different ways throughout the months and years to take care of myself, just depending on what was going on in my world around me. 

Heather Frederick: Let's stop and back up a little bit. So here you are, you spent over 20 years in the military and I'm sure there were untold challenges there that may or may not have been somewhat similar to the doctoral journey. But what really inspired you to go back to school? How did you make that decision?

You had already accomplished so much: retired from the military, you have your own business, you're raising your son. 

Gail Brindell: Oh, my gosh, that's the million-dollar question. And I asked myself that quite a bit through the process. Why did I do this? What was I thinking? I'm a lifelong learner. I love to learn. And you know, when I finished my masters years ago, the door was left open for me. I chose to do a thesis by chance that I may go on and do a dissertation, but that was a hundred years ago. And I'd forgotten about that. And so somewhere around 2009/10, when the whole market crashed, I found myself without a job and struggling to find work.

And here on this educated woman, I've got a master's degree, I was an officer in the military, so I have this little great leadership training. And I couldn't get work. I couldn't find work. And I thought, well, I'm just going to have to make my business work for itself.

And I felt like I needed to learn more. I said, I need to set myself apart from my peers in some way, but I also feel like there was a piece missing in my ability to really help my clients be all they could be. And that was that mind- body connection piece I needed to learn more. 

My master's degree is in exercise science. So, I had this great background and understanding the art and science of movement, but I was missing that neurological, that brain-based piece. And I started just researching programs. And I found the one at University of the Rockies, which was an online program. I just got so excited when I saw the curriculum and I thought, Oh my goodness, this is amazing. If I could learn all of this, what will that do for me? What will that do for my clients? But can I do this? Could I accomplish this? And yes, my military training brain goes; “Of course you can, Gaily. Just look at it as a mission and you set out to do it.  And so I started out that way and, you know, I let my son know that mom is going to be in school with him.

He was one that struggled a bit in school, all his life. And in my mind, I thought, well,  maybe if he sees me studying right beside him, it will motivate him and inspire him in some way. And that's a whole different story how that worked out. But, I was really excited about the program the entire time, and I just made it work.

I feel confident that I did pull from all of my training in the military of I'm going to use the term tenacity and grit and you'll which is one of the things that came out in my research. And once I start something, I finish it, I said, if I can get this degree, not only will, I feel like I  am at the pinnacle of my career, and now I can really take off, but I was also like, wow,  how could I help others learning this?

And honestly, I'll say that I felt like it would open up more doors for me in my industry, in the fitness industry working as a clinical exercise physiologist and maybe gain a little bit more respect  with my peers and colleagues. And so that helped me push through the difficult days and nights of having to study and research and write. 

And there were days I wanted to give up. Of course.But there was a voice inside of me that said you don't give up, Gail. You never give up. Because in our terms, you're battle buddies counting on you. You've got your soldiers counting on you, your Marines counting on you, you cannot give up.

And in this case it was my son. I'm setting an example for him. And as much as that was, it was my own mind that said, you can't give up, now you've already started this. You can't stop. So, whatever it takes, you know, whatever you have to give up in your life to make your school a priority to finish, you're going to have to just sacrifice.

And that's what I did. 

Heather Frederick: And so how did you balance this trait of having that tenacity, having that grit, knowing that you could sacrifice and that you were willing to sacrifice, but also finding time for you? And did that kind of ebb and flow throughout your program? Tell us a little more about your story. 

Gail Brindell: Oh gosh, how do I answer that?

I had a couple of clients, and one in particular that had just received her PhD and we would share stories and her struggles helped motivate me.  There were people around me, for example, that had already been there.  We would talk and that would help keep me motivated or maybe I would learn something that they did that I now could avoid. There was that.

There was a lot of self-talk and at the time I didn't realize I was doing a lot of that, but there was a lot of conversations going on in my head: Gail your priority is to get your son up, in school today, and home, and his homework, and work with your clients. But at five o'clock or six o'clock, you have to be ready to sit down in front of the computer and work and study. So, what do you need to be able to do that? What does that mean for you? And for me that meant eating well, that meant to make sure that I got my exercise in, even if it was a 20-minute run or walk. It was a lot of prayer.

And it was a lot of open dialogue with my son. And at the time it was a lot of mindfulness with him because I could not sacrifice his needs. So I had to remind myself that if he needed two hours, that I need to sit down with him for two extra hours.

And in the back of my mind, it was like: But Gail, you can still do the work you need to do. Even if you only get four hours of sleep, then that's okay. Then you'll get up and you'll build something in tomorrow to help you recover from a lack of sleep. 

There was this constant, seems like dialogue, going on in my head to remind myself of what I needed to accomplish, the baby steps that day to hit my goal for tomorrow, for the end of the month, and to not allow my self-care, go too far without attention.

I had to be aware of, as I was learning in school, the signals and signs in my body. I began to practice that and my body would say to me, you do need to eat or you do need more caffeine and that's okay. You know, you do need to also not answer that phone call from someone and that's okay.

There was a lot of self-talk throughout the whole process and I didn't always do great at it. But I recognized that I wasn't doing great at it. And that was okay. That I  had a goal and ahead of something to accomplish. And I didn't expect anyone to really understand the personal passion for wanting to accomplish this. And that was okay too. 

But I had to make these decisions on my own and I had to learn how to say no a lot. And I had to learn how to say that I cannot participate in certain things or certain events, because I had goals to meet for school and that that's okay. That it would be worth it in the end.

Sometimes I believed it. And sometimes I didn’t believe it. And sometimes I asked myself if I was making a mistake. Is this was going to be worth it? Am I sacrificing too much for something that I don't even know the value? I mean, what am I going to get? There was a lot of that as well.  

Heather Frederick: I am definitely going to ask you if it was worth it, but I'm going to hold that question for a second, because what I'm hearing as you're talking are two themes coming through here of: You acknowledged that there was going to be a natural ebb and flow and everything you're talking about, what's really resonating with me was figuring out a way to do this without judging yourself. 

Gail Brindell: Oh yes. 

Heather Frederick: That sounds like that was a really important part of, kind of being kind to yourself. 

Gail Brindell: Yes. And when you say it like that and looking back, I didn't see it like that. Now, looking back, I can see that, but at the time I don't believe I've been used those words, self-care, being kind to myself. I don't think that I said that to myself, that's what I was actually doing. Now, what I've learned and what I know.

I think in my mind and being a single parent too, you learn as you go and you learn that your child is the priority, whatever it takes to make sure he's a mentally, physically, emotionally stable human being. And I think that plus  my military, that I applied that to myself on this journey. So, it probably was self-compassion and kindness, I didn't look at it at the time. I really pushed myself hard. I think I was probably really hard on myself though because I did expect really good grades.

And then when I didn't get a good grade, it was not devastated, but I was very disappointed and I had to go back and look. And ask myself, how, why did I not end up with an A? I mean, you know, come on. But that's my mindset. That's just how I think. So, I had to wrap my head around that and go: It's okay, Gail. Perfectionism doesn't exist. And you need to accept that and you need to also look at what you're doing. Look at everything that you're balancing. 

So I guess at the time, I really learned a lot through that process about myself. That it's okay. It's just really about the journey and it's about learning and it's about being a better person.

But for me, it is about finishing. It is totally about finishing the race and, finishing the race with something that's really valuable and that my son would be proud of me. That he could say: Mom, you know, yeah even though you were in front of that computer all the time, even when we're watching the Grinch at Christmas (which is our favorite) and you're distracted Mom. 

There were days that I'm really worried about how it might affect him.  And that's where a lot of my emotion about the process, where I thought maybe I should just not do this: Is this fair to him? And then my mind would go: Well, you're setting a good example for him. And you know, when you finish, he'll be finished with high school and then you guys can do whatever you want together and your life's going to be so much better. And so, I just, there was just so much of that self-talk, but it was a constant tug of war in my brain. 

Heather Frederick: Yeah. And what I'm hearing you talk about and what I think would be really helpful for the listeners to think about is this idea that you were sharing, you know, it's okay to have a day where maybe you're only sleeping for four hours, but then you're talking to yourself and saying, okay, but Gail tomorrow you'll sleep more. Right? You don't just keep on with the four hours or: Today, I'm going to eat well, and I'm going to move my body because I know I can't pour from an empty cup and I need to be there for my son. And then yes, the schoolwork comes along, but you prioritize yourself, your son, your family life, the things that are most important to you, knowing that this is a juggling act.

And the other thing that you had said that I wanted to comment on was you learned to say no. And wow. How important is that when you're in a doctoral program?

Gail Brindell: Extremely. I think that's one of those assumed expectations about time management.  The University of the Rockies did a great job of preparing us with the residential courses, what to expect, but until you're in it, you don't really know and you can't have anyone else tell you how to run your life or your relationships.

At the time I wasn't a very good person at telling other people, no. But I knew because of the financial investment and because I had this goal, that if I was going to be sane and healthy at the end, which I value health, it's one of the things I value the most is health and wellbeing.

So maybe for me, it wasn't as hard to continue to put self-care as a priority. But saying no, it was hard for me. I didn't want to disappoint folks. I didn't know if they understood. And I think that there were some you know, maybe some unspoken opinions of others that - and some were outspoken  - that I was not putting my child first, that was putting myself first and that was hurtful.

So, I had to learn to deal with that. And I had to step back and look and see if that was true, that these perceptions were. And my son is very proud of me today and he brags about me. So, I know now that it was okay, but at the time, you know, I really struggled with those emotional and psychological tugs, and learning to say no and just believing in my intuition and go: No, I know I've made the right decision and I am actually putting him first. 

So that's a tough one, that's really hard. And it didn't happen overnight. I had to learn to say no. I had to learn to say no when I would be behind on an assignment and feeling the stress of that, because I had agreed to do something, to help someone or whatever the case may be.

And so I had to learn that .It became easier with practice. And I knew it wouldn't be forever, but now I'm actually really good at telling people no, and it feels really good. 

Heather Frederick: It was an extra bonus. You got this PsyD and you know how to say no. 

Gail Brindell: Oh my goodness. Yes.  

Heather Frederick: Given that you're in the health and wellness industry, if you were to talk to a group of doctoral students right now, what are some kind of maybe real, just practical tips in terms of self-care that you might want to share or have them consider?

Gail Brindell: Oh, that's a great question, Heather. Gosh, let's see if there were tips to just take away. You know what comes to mind would be, that as you begin your journey and you look at your timeline for your classwork and meeting everything in the timeline that you have to accomplish. I would highly encourage that you also incorporate in that, and let's say you're working as well, and you have a family, that part of that becomes your plan, that you have a written plan for yourself care, and it is in this plan it's incorporated and integrated in that.

That you look at your resources, what you have available to you, whether it's a home gym. Whether it's a park right outside in your neighborhood. Your kids are in sports and maybe there's a track that when they're practicing, you're walking around the track. That you look at all your resources, and then that becomes part of your plan - that you have a schedule for your self-care that's really important.

And that you create an environment in your home, wherever your studying that is very conducive to healthy choices. So your kitchen, your pantry, does not become a place where you can easily grab a really nice comforting bag of chips, because it's really easy to eat those while you're typing (or cookies). That you create an environment that is very conducive for you that is all healthy choices, and whether there's tea or flavored waters.

And that  your sleep environment,  that's different from your study environment. You have one room you study in, and that's where all your books are in your materials and your computer. And that's where you go. And you, you turn that switch on. But then you step completely out of that room and you go into a space in your home that is refreshing and invigorating. You get that surge of energy and that you get restful sleep in this beautiful bedroom.

And, finally, I would say the people around you. That you ask them, I need your help.

This is what I need from you. And this is what I'm asking. And if you will allow me 15 minutes or 20 minutes, for a brisk walk every day or at the gym to do one yoga class and that you help me with grocery shopping or whatever that may be. I would highly encourage that. It has to be a part of the whole plan. It cannot just be, if it happens.

Heather Frederick:  Kind of like this appendage that sometimes is there and sometimes it isn't. 

Gail Brindell: I like that, Heather, that, yeah, that metaphor. Yes. It, it has to be incorporated in the entire process. And it may be that you even invest a little bit where you have a desk where you stand, a desk where you're standing in typing, where you're walking around your room, where you have a stability ball that you sit on, or maybe you just lie down and stretch, right in the middle of writing a paper and that you go: this is okay. 

And ask for help, you know, ask for help if you don't know how to do these things. Find someone in your life, that's a role model that is doing it and ask them, how do you do yoga like that from your home every day?  I'd like to be able to know how to do that. Or I really don't like fruits and vegetables. Can you help me find a way to make healthier choices? 

Heather Frederick: Those are great tips. And for those of you who haven't yet listened to episode three, I do argue that self-care is a secret weapon to completing this degree and actually any large goal, but this idea that it's part of working on your degree is self-care.

I'll tell students, yes, I want you to work on your dissertation or your doc project every day. And some days that may mean you're taking a walk. 

Gail Brindell: Yes. Oh, yes. 

Heather Frederick: Count that to count that I worked on my dissertation today. 

Gail Brindell: Yes. and, you know, one thing we can do too, is that walk can also be where you're just thinking about what you just read or you're thinking about your problem statement. Why can I not come up with this problem statement? And you know, just taking a brisk walk, provides clarity. I mean, it just, it empties the brain, it increases endorphins.  I've had many aha moments, when I just put it aside and went outside and walked or sat on the back deck and just took some really deep belly breaths.

And I want to also say Heather, that self-care, which I have learned, is not just about the body.   It is as much if not more about our mindset, and our subconscious thinking patterns, like what we think about ourselves.

You know, you can't fail in the military. You can't because if you make a mistake, someone gets killed. And so I went in with that mindset, which can be devastating in a way. So. My point being is that the self-care must involve ways that you take care of what you're thinking about and how you're thinking about yourself in the process.

I'm not good enough. This wasn't good enough. I should have done better. I'm not where I'm supposed to being in this journey with my degree. I'm going fail. All those negative thoughts. Find a way to reframe those. Find a way to incorporate positive affirmations every day, whether it's on your mirror, which I did not do this at the time. I do it now, where I actually put positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror.

So, I look at them and say, I am powerful. I am smart. I'm good enough. I can do this. Yes. It's hard. Yes. It's challenging. Yes. I really don't believe that, but I can do it. I mean, there are things like that. And so take care of your mind is part of self-care. 

Heather Frederick: I am a huge believer of things on the mirror as well, Gail.

And if you downloaded the document I have on the website, expandyourhappy.com and enrolled in the seven-day email adventure, I give you some tips about how to do that and some suggestions, so, I love that you brought that up. So, million-dollar question: Was it worth it? You spent many, many nights, asking yourself, having this dialogue: Oh my gosh. Did I make the right decision? And here you are one year post degree, in the middle of COVID nonetheless, recovering actually from COVID day eight. Thank you for still agreeing to today's interview. You're such a rock star. So, tell us.

Gail Brindell: Oh gosh, so, I'm going to be frank and honest.  It has just not quite been a year and my mind's gone back and forth and said, was it worth it? Yes, it was. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. I will say this is that I listened to my oral defense, right before  this meeting with you, Heather.  I listened to the recording and I started crying again at the end and I just sat back and went, wow. Oh my God, I can't believe I did. And I actually did it. And I'm actually a doctor. 

And I'm am not yet where I want to be now with this degree.   Looking back over the last 11 months, I really had to take a mental break. I had to take a mental break and step away and go, okay, what now? And not that I've done that intentionally.

COVID has happened, so it's interfered with what I would have wanted to do by now with this degree, however, I'm an optimist, you know, like to think positively. And I have so many ideas of what I want to do now with my research.

Thank you by the way, Heather, for that, because your feedback on my research and what I was able to find and what I can do with it in the future and not just tuck it away has inspired me. So, I have so many ideas now. 

I'm getting used to this persona. I'm getting used to being a doctorate level professional, and it's taken 11 months for that to happen. And I'm still playing around with that. 

Yes, it's very much worth it. I'm very excited about what my future is going to bring, but I know I still have work to do. I mean, the work hasn't stopped, but it's just going to be different. And I am actually very excited about what that's going to look like. And I would love to answer this question again in another six or 12 months, maybe post COVID.

Heather Frederick: We're in an interesting time, so that's kind of confounding, but it's not unusual, post getting the degree, to kind of almost go through a grieving or a morning.

You were so driven. You knew what you were doing every day. What are you doing? I'm working on my research, you know, and then you're done and it can be a little unsettling. And I love that you shared that some days you're like, was it worth it? Because, I went through that for decades. After having my degree, there were times where I would think absolutely this was so worth it because it gave me the key to open this door.

But then I would see other doors that looked almost equally as appealing. And I think, Oh, I could have walked through those doors without the degree. Was it worth all that pain and suffering that I went through? But, you know, hindsight, like you said, it's 2020, and things are always changing and I'm here confidently saying I know that that degree was part of my personal journey, not just academically, but my personal growth and development journey.

And it's brought me to a place where I get to do things like this. Hang out with you, talking about things that will help someone else who's listening right now going: Okay. It's not just me, right? 

Gail Brindell: That is so true. And I'm glad you said those two things that you just said Heather, about: Could I have gone through this door without this degree?  That has happened in the past few months.

But what I've done is defaulted back to, you know, but this was a personal goal of mine and, and that is actually more important than anything that society could ever offer me. And I keep reminding myself that I would be sitting here today, if I had not finished this for the rest of my life going, what if, and I would have also been saying, because I know me, it's like, I could still get that doctorate if I want to. So now I have it. 

And I look at the degree on my wall and I'm like, wow, I really have that.  And even if it's all that there's ever going to be, which I don't believe, but even if that's all it's ever going to be is a personal goal, then that should actually be more important than anything, because I am important. And this was something I wanted to do. 

What I gained and learned, not just the knowledge about health, about psychology behavior, the mind, that's invaluable, but what I've learned about myself, is also invaluable.  I don't regret any of it. It was worth everything that I went through. I wouldn't do it again because I don't have to, but maybe if I was 20 years younger, I would get another degree. But now I really am excited about being able to apply what I know and, and step out into the world with courage and say, you know, I am Dr. Brindell.  And I believe in you and I believe in self-care and I believe that you can be the best you can be. And yes. It's been worth it.

Heather Frederick: Well, Dr. Brindell, thank you so much for sharing your journey and all the inspiring words and tips. And there's so much more we could talk about.   I would love to have you back to talk about appreciative inquiry and how you used that in your research. So, we'll wrap up. Today's call about self-care. But I'm looking forward to having you back on the show again, real soon. 

Gail Brindell: Thank you, Heather. It's great to see you again and just thank you for everything that you've done and thank you for having me. And I hope it helps it. 

Heather Frederick: If you love listening to the Happy Doc student podcast, would you mind supporting me? The best way you can do this is by sharing your favorite episodes with a friend or two. Episodes are available on most podcast directories, my youtube channel, and website (to make it easy, I’ll pop these links in the show notes below). Now, if you really want to really show me some love, then visit my website ExpandYourHappy.com where you can buy me a yummy green tea and check out resources I recommend.

Until next time – here’s to more joy in your journey.

Hey, one more thing, I do need to remind you that the information, opinions, and recommendations presented in this Podcast are for general information only.